TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely out of spot. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Of course, positive, let's have Yet another place where American Guys can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: give Everybody a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often gentle ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he must cease making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the venture, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Superior individuals. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a attribute becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following getting the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Functions


Perhaps the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "in which's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting interest from Intercontinental traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will likely include:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort where my PTSD can have change-down assistance."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has Trump Tower Damascus allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Thoughts in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave it all a few. You are welcome."

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